HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake
drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch two short.
1 votes
Bike tools
Started by
Guest_Emmett_*
, Jun 14 2006 06:57 pm
7 replies to this topic
#2
darcym
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- Members
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- 188 posts
Carpe fan
- Location:San Diego, CA, USA
- TDM model: 1992
Posted 15 June 2006 - 04:18 pm
CLASSIC!
Edited by darcym, 15 June 2006 - 04:18 pm.
1992 TDM 850, RED
Corbin seat, Kerker pipes, Givi top case.
DMPHOTOSD.com
Corbin seat, Kerker pipes, Givi top case.
DMPHOTOSD.com
#3
Guinness
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- Supporting Member(thanks)
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- 1,657 posts
has been here 4ever
- Location:Belgium - Limburg
- TDM model: 2005
Posted 16 June 2006 - 07:56 pm
excellent!!!! wondering if i should move that to Knowledgebase .. for distraction ...lol
I'm an insomniac agnostic dyslexic. I lay awake at night and wonder if there really is a dog.
yamaha : xv535/92-92 | red TDM850/92-05 | silver TDM900A/05-
get them here
yamaha : xv535/92-92 | red TDM850/92-05 | silver TDM900A/05-
get them here
#4
ripper
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- Member
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- 193 posts
Carpe fan
- Location:Scarborough
- TDM model: 1992
Posted 28 June 2006 - 07:46 pm
Most enjoyable I've spent many happy hours with mis-aimed hammers now I'm tea bloody total.
Rob
#5
Galilee
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- Member
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- 892 posts
850 going for 900
- Location:Norway
- TDM model: 1996
Posted 19 November 2006 - 09:52 am
"Every tool is a hammer, except screwdrivers, wich are chisels."
Then look up 'hammer' above....
Then look up 'hammer' above....
Too Freud to rock'n'roll, too Jung to die.
#6
cyco900
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- Member
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- 269 posts
Carpe groupie
- Location:Mid Wild Wooly Wales
- TDM model: 2003
Posted 19 November 2006 - 08:57 pm
BRILLIANT as an ex-pro mechanic Iagree with all 
Boring Old Fartz mcc / Diflas Hen Rhech - the PARTY club
[b]Now 03 TDM900 and Honda 450 Cafe Racer - previous bikes:- 97 virago535 -Triumph Trophy900- TDM850Mk1- Honda VF750F- Honda CB350K4- Honda CB650F chop- Suzuki 100- Honda CB900F x2 -Honda CB250 Dream -Kawasaki K400 -Honda CB650F Chop- Honda CB750K2- Kawasaki Z1000- HD Sportster1000- Triumph 500t- Honda 400/4- TriBsa 650- BSA C15- Triumph Speedtwin combo -BSA B33 chop- BSA A65 -BSA A10 chop- Ariel Golden Arrow- BSA Bantam- Francis Barnet- NSU Quickly. think thats the lot?
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
bunny hoppin
Sign by Dealighted - Coupons & Discount Shopping
[b]Now 03 TDM900 and Honda 450 Cafe Racer - previous bikes:- 97 virago535 -Triumph Trophy900- TDM850Mk1- Honda VF750F- Honda CB350K4- Honda CB650F chop- Suzuki 100- Honda CB900F x2 -Honda CB250 Dream -Kawasaki K400 -Honda CB650F Chop- Honda CB750K2- Kawasaki Z1000- HD Sportster1000- Triumph 500t- Honda 400/4- TriBsa 650- BSA C15- Triumph Speedtwin combo -BSA B33 chop- BSA A65 -BSA A10 chop- Ariel Golden Arrow- BSA Bantam- Francis Barnet- NSU Quickly. think thats the lot?
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
bunny hoppin
Sign by Dealighted - Coupons & Discount Shopping
#7
TenaciousTdM
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- Members
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- 162 posts
Carpe fan
- Location:The pool
- TDM model: 1992
Posted 10 May 2009 - 11:48 am
mechs bible lol rofl,luv it ,but this is my favourite ""DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying."" whoaaa rof lmao pmsl
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying."" whoaaa rof lmao pmsl
TON UP POST today on the day of st andrew
fied et opera
dont fix it its not broke.35th year of the p[ist#n br;#k3 club
#8
Reverend3vd
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- Member
- 21 posts
sticking around
- TDM model: 1992
Posted 11 August 2014 - 12:11 am
this still got me pssn me pants 
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